By Henry Bantjez (M.Psych)
Falling in love is unlike any emotion known to mankind. You put your best foot forward, you spend hours on the phone with this person, you feel energised, you skip responsibilities, you ignore your friends.
It's like your world has shifted in ways you've never experienced. You can't wait to see the person again. It just feels so right. Your heart skips a beat or the tingle you feel just thinking about your next encounter. The adrenaline. The insecurity when texts are not answered fast enough.
There's an unexplainable magnetic connection that brings joy, ecstasy, uncertainty and anxiety, all at once. A rollercoaster. Sometimes chaos. Think about it. This is not healthy. And if he says that he will love you to death, make sure you run for the hills. Immediate attraction is an amazing feeling, and dating can be fun, but here's a secret: roses and chocolates are not romantic.
It's of course nice to buy your partner appreciation gifts, but real romance is the ability to stay in love and not to lose yourself. Real romance is when you know that you can depend on each other for better or for worse. Real romance is when you don't keep score and realise that love is the absence of judgment. Real romance is understanding the meaning of love and that is to become happy and useful in a relationship. This means that love is not just about you.
Love is also achieved through helping your partner in any way you can (being useful). The question is not what the meaning of love is but what meaning you can give to your love life. To lead a love life with meaning, you cherish your life, pay attention to human values and cultivate inner peace.
True love is an act of will and choices. It is like a muscle, it needs nurturing to grow and then, if you get it right, it evolves into personal growth, discipline and a happier life in general.
So, it's not just about butterflies and feelings, it's also about action and consistently and passionately and unapologetically choosing loving kindness toward each other, when the going gets tough, weathering the storms and becoming stronger together. What makes true love special is that it evolves. Infatuation transitions into a deep, soulful bond where you both feel secure and valued. It's not perfect, but it's real—and that's what matters.
Laughter, the best medicine: Couples who don’t take themselves too seriously and who laugh regularly in general are healthier, happier and foster positive attitudes. They find ways to laugh at their situations and choose not to stress too much. They hang out with friends who make them laugh and step away easily from those who drain their energy. They are selective about who they spend their time with.
Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain. Humour lightens burdens, inspires hope, connects couples, and keeps them grounded, focused, and alert. It also helps to release anger and forgive easily. Laughter is strong medicine. It draws couples together in ways that trigger healthy physical and emotional changes in the body.
Laughter strengthens the immune system, boosts mood, and protects you from the damaging effects of stress. And remember, the next time you are angered, think before you act, choose to laugh about it. You can’t deny laughter; when it arrives, it takes a seat and won't let go. And so will love. When you find it, hold onto it and don’t let go.
Judgement: Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, your relationship cannot survive. A sense of concern for your partner gives your life meaning. It is the root of your relationship happiness. But judgment holds you back.
Sometimes you need to let go. Accept that your partner has other needs. Embrace them. Understand them. Give them shapes. Hold them in your hands. Feel them. But don’t be so harsh on yourself. Express your needs.
When you practice loving kindness toward yourself, magic happens: you stop being so critical of yourself, and, in turn, you become less judgemental of your partner. Work on altering the way you think. I find practising judgement-free days a useful tool. It opens your mind and the results are tremendous – your partner will love this. Why don’t you try it?
Allow each other to express feelings and statements without judgment – it will move mountains. Here are a few antonyms for the word judgemental: undiscriminating, undemanding, unfussy, charitable, and forgiving. Strive towards them. Think about it. Love is the absence of judgement. Give your partner reasons to stay. Anger and jealousy will not solve a thing. Only true affection, concern, and above all, respect, can do that. When you are compassionate, your relationship becomes meaningful. You will experience happiness and a sense of calm. In turn, your partner will experience peace. Peace and calm breed hope. Honour the god in that.
Let’s talk about sex. The best relationship is when your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. What I am trying to say is do not look past your needs to fulfil only your partner's. And remember, when we don’t get enough, our performance drops – at home, at work, social settings, and the list goes on.
Talk to your partner about what you want (not need) in bed. Be unapologetic about it, but allow your partner to reciprocate. Do this with zero judgment. Do not let your partner feel embarrassed, bad, insecure, or worst of all, guilty, for wanting anything sexually different. Then negotiate a way forward. Try out new things, as long as none of these will be harmful, then go for it. Explore.
Live like lovers. And again, be unapologetic about it. All those fantasies that you keep bottled in – share them. And if he tells you that he has no fantasies – help him out. Give him ideas, but don’t be shy and don’t pretend. Life is too short for this kind of bs. Here is the best relationship advice you are ever going to get – If you don’t have a love affair with your partner, somebody else will.
You see, love needs work, but when you get it right, you fall, but it is a good fall, because you fall in love, and you don’t get up again. The best lying down you can imagine. This is how you fall in love. Over and over. With the same person. Observe. Listen. Learn. Show compassion. Respect. Hold each other as if it were your last day on Earth. It only takes three words: I love you.
Henry Bantjez is a behavioural psychology expert and publishes regularly on wellness topics.
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